what dreams lie ahead.

many years ago i was the life of the party, always at the center of the dance floor, always bubbling with smiles. that was many years ago. for my senior prom (it was called the Jr/Sr banquet and dance out in podunk) i wore a black satin gown with a hot pink bodice and orange high top converse sneakers underneath. at the time, i thought that i was fully expressing my personality as i saw it and as it was. today i don’t know who i am or how to define my personality.

many years ago i saw the future as this unfathomable, unattainable concept. not something that was actually possible. many years ago, i had dreams for the future. and they were just that. dreams. i’m hot sure they were even what i really wanted. i’m not sure i ever really knew what i wanted.

i’ve wanted to be:
a bride
a detective
a dancer
a writer
a scientist
an archeologist
a mother
a fashion & costume designer
an artist
a photographer
an actress
a lawyer
a therapist
a psychologist
an advertising/marketing executive

i’ve also wanted to be:
dead
alive
lost
invisible
beautiful
smarter
better
nice
loved
worthwhile
attractive
sexy
charismatic
normal

my hopes for my future are now so much different and yet, the same. today, i don’t fret so much over the details, but know that, in general, i just want to be happy, to belong, and to be important to someone. i’m not really sure how that will work out and i’m not really sure i know how to even make that happen. i just know it no longer really matters if i am someone’s bride or someone’s mother or what my profession is or what others see when they look at me, but rather what is important is that i perceive myself as being a credit to the human race in some sense and that i am ok with the person i see in the mirror. all the regrets that i have and all the deep seated insecurities that i struggle with may prevent that from ever truly happening for me. the thing is, no one really knows what the future holds for any of us.

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