my stubbornness kept me from saying goodbye. when you were gone i didn’t know how to react. i was numb, but all the years of tv and movies had shaped my concept of what i was supposed to do in a time like this. i had no other images from which to reference. i was numb for months. i didn’t know how to cope. i hated you but i loved you, too. i was riddled with guilt for all we’d lost, missed, and said. for a long time i idolized you, even though my gut told me that wasn’t the whole truth. my idolized version of you was closer to the you that it seemed you wanted to be, but didn’t know how to be. i inherited your eyebrows, your eyes, your hair, your smile, your nose, your stubborness, and your need to be right all the time. i’d like to say i’m learning from your mistakes, but i know that those mistakes are mine also. i still have pieces of you that influence me to this day. perhaps i always will. i wonder if i’ll see you  again in whatever afterlife there is? i wonder if all the unsaids will get said or if it will even matter. i know you loved me. in your way. but what i’m not so sure of, did you know i loved you, too?

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