starting over.

starting over happens every single day that we manage to wake up and face the day. i oftentimes forget this very simple fact. when i feel overwhelmed with life, bogged down by the ordinary, or just plain regretful, i would do well to remember that each new day is a new start.

life is always filled with change and opportunity to make a fresh start. what are some of the things i’d like to approach anew? there are many , many things. the most important would be creating more structure in my life by being more self disciplined. there are days i wake up and i realizes, as if suddenly, that i’ve wasted so much time doing nothing. i wonder if it is considered a sin. i must be lazy if i don’t know how to be self-disciplined. i feel very alone when i realize that i really have no on e to hold me accountable. it’s harder being a lone and trying to hold yourself accountable. you’re kind of biased toward yourself in many ways. i have often wondered if my life had been different as a child, I would not have such a  hard time with self discipline now?

structure is such a fierce component of self-discipline. structure defines boundaries and makes us feel safe in this world.

i’m 37 now and wish that i could be molded as easily as a child. what makes it so hard to accept change or structure in our lives as adults? or is it just me? maybe i would have done better if i had a child & a family earlier in life. or mayber i just would have been a lousy mother? all the maybes in the world just won’t make it happen.

i guess this is where the reaching deep inside thing comes into play–looking inward at the tools available to me to make a change toward structure. seeing the tools; holding the tools; and knowing how to use them are just the first step. Putting the tools to use and stepping over the fence into action–now THAT is the doozy.

**excerpt from my sporadic journal entries 0n 5/26/2005

***i’m way older than 37 now

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