I have really been pushing myself mentally to get out of this current low-point of depression. Just making the effort is part of dealing with this inevitable crappiness. What I call “The Funk”. For several days, all I did was sleep. All. Day. Long. And then All. Night. Long. I realized I couldn’t just slide into The Funk again.
I ordered, received, and started reading a book called The Mindful Way through Depression. It is slow going, but it is having an impact. Even found myself using the mindfulness meditation techniques using breathing while on the train into the city on Monday. This book is also helping me to understand that rumination and automatic negative-thinking is the underlying culprit to repeated bouts of The Funk. I figured that maybe it’s high time that I found a good therapist to help me process a lot of the crap that fuels The Funk. Yes, us “shrink-types” often need our own therapists, too. The wonder pill (aka Prozac) hasn’t been very helpful lately, mainly because the dosage is just too low. I contacted a psychotherapy practice nearby. They have it all—the shrink for the medication management and the therapist for the ongoing psychotherapy.
I went for an intake last week. Wow. When I started with the intake questions I didn’t realize how much junk was fueling The Funk. I mean, really, dude. Wow. I went this week to see the therapist for the first time. I was apprehensive because I knew that I would have to tell them what I do for a living and my educational background, etc. I didn’t want that to be an intimidation factor or a source of conflict in any way. The therapist (I’ll call her B) was really very open and non-judgmental. I felt that she was really hearing me and not wading through automatic assumptions that could have blocked someone else from really being present with me. I’m hopeful that this relationship will be a good fit. The intake brought up a lot of thoughts that in turn led to some clarifications or understandings—Aha! Moments if you will—yet at the same time, there are some anxieties bubbling under the surface. How hard is this going to be? Emotionally & mentally? The first session with B didn’t really give me an indication. It could go in so many different directions, but what I do know is that the directions will only be towards progress. Maybe it will be very difficult. No. It WILL be very difficult at times. I know it will change me and thus many things in my world—how I relate to it and how it relates to me.
There are many things that have to happen in order to really combat The Funk. I know this. So, I started working out very sporadically a few weeks ago. I visited a gym but was a little resistant to joining. I finally bit the bullet and joined this week and have been going every morning. Today, I am feeling the “high” I had not felt it until today. Although I am tired and a slight bit sore, I actually feel the energy surge that would have allowed me to keep going or go back for another work out later. Crazy huh? I like this feeling though. I like the energy. I’ve noticed that my skin even looks and feels way better. I guess all the sweating and getting the blood flowing really does have some excellent collateral benefits.
I keep thinking about my cousin’s wife, J. She is an exercise freak but she also loves to eat. She is TINY but she can put away some food. That’s my goal: to be tiny but also enjoy eating with gusto!
There were two chicks at the gym today. I saw one getting out of her car as I was walking up. I thought “now that’s what i want to look like in a pair of skin tight leggings. Yessirree!”. Then when I was on the treadmill up on the little platform where you can kind of see the whole gym floor, I saw this chick working out with another chick and I was like, “whoa. Forget chick #1! Look at the muscle definition on chick #2!”. When my workout buddy, M, showed up, I pointed them out to her and said “that’s gonna be us someday soon. Me chick #2, u chick #1”. Later, after my workout, I went to the locker room to get my bag and there was chick #1 in a funky looking bikini and some of those 8 inch clear acrylic F-Me Fredrick’s of Hollywood shoes. Obviously being coached by chick #2 for a bodybuilding or a fitness competition. Now I also notice that chick #2 is older than chick #1, maybe my age, but damn she is totally rocking it.
I am using my nike+ ipod gadget when I work out on the treadmill. Unfortunately the gym doesn’t have the nike+ipod gym capabilities on its machines so I can’t log anything but the treadmill on the nike+ website. I did find another website that offers many more options for logging workouts, weight/size, and nutrition at www.dailyburn.com . I have added recipes and tracked my food, water intake, and workouts there and all that is just the free membership version. There are additional options with a paid “pro” membership option. I know from using www.fitday.com in the past that this really helps me to stay on track with my food, water, and exercise.
There are many other things that I am going to have to do, deal with, process, change, whatever if I plan to be the winner in this battle with The Funk. I am missing out on so much of life because of The Funk and I’m just not willing to let it go down like that anymore.
Wish me luck. Pray for me. Send positive thoughts my way. I need all the positive vibrations and energy that I can get from the universe.