a dance of sorts.

ok that therapy session was beyond weird. as i spoke with this therapist, i was struggling with my desire to control the conversation–to steer it away from what seemed to be vagarities to me. i kept telling myself, just listen. be open. just listen. see what happens. see where it goes. patience, dear. patience.

and i am so glad i listened to myself AND my therapist, LB. as she talked and pointed out things, she gently prodded me, “i know you know this already, but maybe to remember, remember, just to remember…….” and then she would say something that i my heart has been feeling for a while. she would take the thoughts straight from my head and make them into words in a nanosecond. it was if we were connected by some psychic thread wherein i would think something and she would say it, expand it, make it more meaningful. she would guide me where she wanted me to go and yet accept my interpretations as just that, my interpretations.

we are developing this relationship in which i have to trust her to disagree with me and she has to trust me to be open to her. it feels weird at times, just sitting there, in the “other” chair, being the reason.

it is interesting. this is a process that both scares me and delights me. i am afraid of the skeletons that are most likely going to come out of the closets. i don’t know which ones will appear or which ones will turn to dust. i don’t know if there are “new” ones to make appearances. how am i going to respond to all this IF it happens? what is all of this going to do to me? who am i going to be when i come out on the other side?

and yet at the same time i’m thinking, how exciting that i finally get to take control of all the crap that has tormented me. i get to grow and evolve and change and morph into a new, better, expanded, enlightened version of me! right?

we’ll see, won’t we? we’ll see.

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