all i ever really wanted to be was the person i was born to be. time slips by so fast and i wonder if i ever knew who i was. i know i tried to obliterate the person that i was and i tried to make myself disappear, both figuratively and literally, more than once. i guess i didn’t really want to disappear, but rather, wanted validation that i was valuable just as i was. i realized, somewhere along the line, that i had to find that validation inside rather than in others. i’d never find it externally. no one ever really will, though they will always try.
this year, my goal is to get closer and closer to being the “real me” as i possibly can.
how the hell do you do that when you aren’t really sure who the “real me” is? mindfulness practices seem to be helping me find the answer to that question, but that isn’t the only thing. i always tell my students “you have to be self aware”. being aware of what your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are, where they come from, how they affect others, and, ultimately, how important they are to you. being mindful is a key to being self-aware, not the ONLY key but A key. it seems to be working better for me now than it has in the past. this phenomenon could be due, in part, to personal maturation, experiences, and enlightenment.
i also think that i need to behave differently than i have in the past in order to nurture the “real me”. i’ve allowed anxiety and frustration to get the best of me in the past, thus influencing my presentation to the world and my feelings about myself. i don’t want to have emotions overly influencing how i behave towards others. i know that emotions are always a part of behavior and certainly influence behavior, but it doesn’t have to control behavior. our behavior affects others, either positively, negatively, or neutrally. i would prefer for my behavior to have a positive or, at minimum, neutral effect on others. i want to avoid producing behaviors that affect others negatively.
i’m sure you can see where this overlaps with my other goal of being positive in my life and actions. i want to uplift myself and others. in the words of mahatma gandhi, i want to be the change that i wish to see in the world.