middle.

dude. how did it get to be the middle of october already? time went by like “whoosh”.

lots of things going on here in terms of both quantity and quality. mostly good. a sprinkling of bad. the bad is that i’ve been stricken with the sickies. just now getting over the flu, which i think is leaving me with a sinus infection as a parting shot. gotta love it.

therapy is going quite well. some barriers have been prodded and are slowly beginning to show signs of weakening. this is a good thing. i’ve had some therapy homework that is helping me deal with the problem of procrastination. i have to say that i’ve been fairly successful in making progress in so many areas.

the remainder of this month will be very action packed as i am preparing for a trips to wisconsin and dc before welcoming my mother, my cousin Josh, and his lovely wife Jamy to the NYC area. mama to visit her baby girl (that’s me) and Josh to run the NYC marathon. Jamy, mama, and I are his entourage and look forward to seeing him cross that finish line. he’s trained so hard and battled some issues with his knee. i’m so proud of this kid. he’s definitely got determination.

in the middle of october, i’m pretty much in the middle on many fronts. the “to do” list isn’t as anxiety provoking as it once was. there are still more than a few items on that to-do list that make me antsy. there are new relationships being forged, familiar relationships deepening and growing, and old relationships evolving and strengthening. there are relationships that i’ve had to let go of and some that have taken turns i couldn’t have expected. i am learning to trust myself and learning to simply experience the journey, letting it make me who i am meant to be. the whole process of opening up to myself and taking each “next step” on the journey is full of the unknown, and thus, both exciting and scary.

so here i stand, both literally and figuratively, in the middle. behind me lies my past, broken, crumpled, and littered with dust, crumbs, and glitter. ahead of me lies the possibility filled future that i now realize that i have more control over than i had ever imagined possible.

alone.

most of us can’t stand to be alone. many of us have a deep seated fear of being alone for the rest of our lives–of dying alone.

well, i’ve come to the realization that i have been alone most of my life, even in the presence of others, and thus, will most likely be alone for the remainder of my life, however long or short that may be. i guess this waiting game i play sometimes, suddenly has no meaning.

time to find something else to do when i’m normally “waiting” for mr. right or prince charming or keanu reeves to ring my bell, waiting for someone to want to do something that involves me, waiting for someone to tell me what to do next, waiting for someone to realize that you’re supposed to give as much as you take, waiting for someone to realize they really want to hang out with you, waiting for someone to realize that they really do want to break down your barriers, waiting. plain old waiting. or actually it should be called”wasting”.

this is what i like.

some more than the others:

coca-cola and coke zero

Life is Good products. their shirts in particular as SO unbelievably soft and keep their shape for like EVAH.

wasabi green peas crunch.crunch. POW! crunch. crunch. POW! =)

julia roberts. i really really wanted to be her.

sushi & sashimi. which i am sure will shock the shorts right off of hal batson since i made the most ugly faces the first time i ever had the stuff at one of our meet up dinners or lunches.

chipotle barbacoa with the works, no rice, pintos, not black, pico, corn, green, sour cream, cheese, guac. wrap that sucka up.

jeans, white t shirt, cool but simple accessories, substantial and utilitarian bag, ass-kicking boots. i would look good in that kind of outfit. someday.

orange chuck taylor converse. size 9.

green salads of every imaginable kind as long as they have only bits of the bitter greens, plenty of shredded carrots, chick peas, yellow pepper strips, mushrooms, and balsamic or ranch dressing. dude i could eat salad all day every day if they’d let me.

my blackberry storm 9530.  i’m on phone # 3 or 4. something like that but only cuz i screw things up so much. this last time was because i lost it somewhere. in penn station. which means i lost it. forever. got my replacement the next day and now have fancy new orange cover to replace my previous orange silicone cover. i am not so sure the current orange cover will be able to win me over since the orange is more of a darker orange. anyway, i just love this phone. i really really do. it has changed my life dude!

i think the golla bag i got to help me learn not to lay my phone down just anywhere will become a thing that i love as well. time will tell.

oh did i mention that i still, after all these long years, still love keanu reeves? well i do.

i also love NYC. no other place like it on the planet. it has its dark sides, but it also has its light. its charming. its beauty, love, and warmth. not quite like what i’m used to down in the deep south, but it is there. you have to realize that you must search for this in this city and when you search, you must search with a sincerely open and willing mind. on those days i wonder why? why? why? do i feel so pulled into this city, all it takes in one subway ride. one quick walk a few blocks to sit at central park and watch the people. this is a city of excitement, spontaneity, creativity. it is abuzz with energy. the vibrations that are sent out here reach all around the world.

i love my dogs and my cats. i could even find room in my heart to love a few more maybe even bunnies and goats and koi fish and birds and horses. i really reallllllly love animals. i’m especially drawn to dogs, cats, horses, and goats. only because that has been my experience. i wonder if there are others that i could be drawn to and rescue.

beautiful failure.

with school all started back and me trying to tackle several big things at once, with the same nagging issues as always pestering me, i’ve failed miserably with this month’s NaBloPoMo. but ya know what? while i’m a wee bit disappointed, it ain’t but a thang. chicken wang.

i hope to be back to my daily posting eventually. i was really getting a great deal, therapeutically, from the daily musings. i also hope to be back to commenting on my great followers’ blogs as well. this too shall pass. i just don’t know when.

in the meantime, i will be sporadic and perhaps a little spazzy. in other words, plain old me.

on a good note, my 4th year reappointment went through (not sure what those folks were thinking), which gives me one more year at my job following this academic year. we’re shooting for 7 years with tenure then who knows how many more!? i know what it means if i don’t get some significant pubs out this year: it means sayonara sister!

corners.

corner of central park & the city

some corners we come to and our eyes feast on new visions. our ears on new sounds. our soul on new feelings. and some corners we come to that, although they bring something new to us, they also harken us back to times before. remind us of where we’ve been.

taylor's grocery....what fun!

and perhaps it gives us a glimpse of where we’d like to go

paradise in the maldives

standing on corners, taking in all that life has to offer and taking stock of all the obvious and not-so-obvious opportunities that stand waiting before us in all direction, it gets to you sometimes.

sometimes you can be calm, centered, and open to what comes. sometimes we put too much of who we think we need to be in our interpretations of what comes our way. sometimes we are so withdrawn into ourselves and our issues–big and small–that we fail to notice.

but there will always be corners.

up.

Flickr photo by Kevin Dooley

life is on an upswing. funny thing is, i think i weathered this recent storm much better than i ever have in the past and i don’t see myself having as difficult of a time dealing with life’s “downs” in the future. cuz, dude, we all know that life has ups AND downs. no getting around that. life is good.

when i was in louisville, i don’t know if people are just nicer, look you in the eye more, or if i was feeling better about myself or what, but i noticed that people were looking at me. and i didn’t feel as uncomfortable as i have in the recent past about it. now granted, ainsley was with me pretty much most of the time. so it may have been more of them looking at her and trying to figure out what was “wrong” with me. sorry folks. it ain’t always something you can see. you know that was probably it. and here i was thinking maybe it was because folks thought i was purtyfull. dammit.

i even got done with a big chunk of the mountain of work i need to complete. i really need to get cracking with cranking out all these manuscripts that are just collecting dust and cobwebs. it is true what they say in academia: publish or perish. well i have no intention of perishing, sugar.

catching.

today i finally felt like i might be catching up. catching up with what? i’m not sure if i can explain it. i feel like i’m getting to “that better place”. you know that place that you don’t really know where exactly it is, because it isn’t on a map anyplace and no one seems to have directions for you. that place. maybe it is the new meds talking. maybe it is the new me that is evolving here. whatever it is, i like it. i like having this rational, realistic focus on what the future holds and what the present means. nothing is perfect. many things are quite less than that, but they are good. and those things that aren’t so good, well i know that this too shall pass as the saying goes.

i think i need some good music to listen to. anyone have any recommendations?

transitioning.

monday.

patrick swayze passed away today. he was 57. bless his heart. so many are referencing his role as johnny castle in Dirty Dancing, but my favorite and i think his best role ever was drag queen Vita Boheme in To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything. Julie Newmar. my GOSH that man showed totally mind-blowing range with that role. damn he was good. he will be missed. my thoughts and prayers go out to his wife, Lisa, and his family & friends.

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today, i think i see a light at the end of the tunnel. some internal tide is turning and i’m starting to feel some kind of spark that i might just make the progress that i need to make in order to keep hanging on. i’ve made commitments that i may not be able to keep, at least not on the time constraint that, thus far, seems immovable. i’ve made commitments that i fully intend to keep, come hell or high water. most of all, i’ve made a commitment to myself to reach for my potential, wherever that takes me.

the grace.

this weekend i’ve been away at a conference. down south. sort of.

louisville, ky isn’t really the deep south like where i’m from, but it sure does exude the southern hospitality, kindness, warmth, friendliness, helpfulness, consideration, and courtesy that i grew up with. even my traveling companion, who is a native new yorker was blown away by the stark contrast between the new york attitude and the way of life in the south. it is such a refreshing change.

this reminds me that i am proud to be from the beautiful, richly diverse, welcoming south. i am proud of my heritage as a southerner and proud of my humble roots in mississippi. i may not be so proud of everything i’ve done. i may struggle with accepting my appearance. i may struggle to find my true happiness. i have quite a few things that i wish i could change about my past and my history, but i wouldn’t dare wish to change the fact that i am a southerner, by the grace of god.

beautiful. just beautiful.

talking down

looking up

falling down

standing up

pushing down

raising up

stomping down

holding up

beauty.